twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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