I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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