i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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