I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
