I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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