I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
