I am spending my child support on dildos
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
