I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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