Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
