wakey wakey hands off snakey
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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