She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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