im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
