So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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