Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
