My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
