Already got asked if we're dating
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
