Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
