According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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