I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
