Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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