the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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