Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
