stop calling my apartment porn island.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
