I hope mine doesn't look like that
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
