like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I party with great urgency now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
