I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
