you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
