Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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