I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
