True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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