my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize