Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
