Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
