You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
