Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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