Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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