We won't sleep together?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
