I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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