I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
