dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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