That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
