i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
