i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
