i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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