just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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