Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
