do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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