He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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