The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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