"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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