"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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