We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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