I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
