I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Can I color on your dick again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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