i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
